Know Your No's: Why You're Not Obliged to Keep Your Partner Sexually Satisfied

Do you have to keep your partner sexually satisfied?

Maybe you’re in one of those ‘til death do us part’ kinda arrangements or similar - one of the traditional kind where his word is law and as the dutiful wife you have, well, y’know - a duty to provide for his every happiness.

...Meals on the table when he gets in

...Laundry all freshly washed, pressed and hung up

...Children meek, mild and well-mannered in their Sunday best

....The house is always so clean it’s squeaky behind the white picket fence.

You get the gist.

Those relationship dynamics served a time and a purpose. And a patriarchal system 🙄

But there’s a bum-squeaky remnant that still lives in the hearts of many women. And a helluva lot of men.

The expectation that it’s a woman’s duty to provide her man with sex on demand…

It needs calling out because truly, I think it’s one of those ingrained lessons that will cling on in a lot of people, kicking and screaming.

For many people, the experience is very real that if she says no there’s discomfort. Or sulking.

Imma float a lil’ idea that if a person cannot freely say no without fear of consequence, it’s not actually a yes.

And I’ll tell ya, this has been a real thing even for me in the past because the messaging we get about sexual expression, sexual pleasure, consent, desire, the whole shebang, comes from all manner of different places.

For so, so many people - being in a long term relationship automatically equates to being responsible for keeping their partner sexually satisfied.

Of course there are always exceptions but I’ll give you three guesses who, in a hetero-dynamic, typically shoulders most of the weight of it?

Where the obligation story comes from

But why do we feel like this? Historically, all that mattered was the male line. Under the feudal system, possession, wealth and property were passed from father to first born son. The male line was all important. And they needed a wife ‘of good breeding stock’

Indeed, the wives were property. Ownership transferred upon marriage from the property of the father to the husband. Often with a dowry of possessions or wealth that then became property of the husband.

It’s never been a shocker to learn that a husband has a wife and many lovers on the side. Not so much for the woman. Whose worth was determined by the success of her husband.

Even now, society still looks to the woman if the husband has an affair or leaves her - poor love can’t have been ‘getting any’ at home so had to go elsewhere.

(I’ll leave it on the table that the women are less likely to be motivated to engage in crap sex if their partner is not so interested in their pleasure or experience - maybe that’s why she didn’t want to be putting out, but ok.)

Why obligation kills the thing it's trying to protect

We know that people who have been socialised to scan for threat and danger on a subconscious level, especially women, can’t easily access feelings of desire or playfulness unless they are in a state of internal safety.

It’s literally in the make up of the sympathetic and parasympathetic autonomic nervous system. Quite plainly, if there’s a threat (real or perceived), all energy is directed to body systems that are necessary for our immediate survival - the muscles, the bones, the senses. We’re getting ready to fight, run away, freeze or fawn. The body doesn’t need the digestive- or reproductive systems in those moments to keep it safe from impending doom.

And we need to be aware that it’s simply not possible for a person to feel ‘safe’ just because they’re told they’re safe. It’s a felt sense - the body is always aware - and for some even something as seemingly simple as a text being unresponded to can register as a risk that there’s something wrong.

“Intimacy is not something that you earn through effort, insight or good intentions”

~ Scott Austin Martin, author of SAFE: The Minimum Standard for Intimacy

Consistency and predictability of a regulated state builds safety. As does choice.

If a person is not comfortable or able to say no without consequence, can they ever really give a proper full-body ‘yes’?

And let’s be Frank, ‘cos Frank’s cool, these consequences might come from you yourself - you might think you’re going to upset the other person, even if they haven’t given any indication of that.

Like I say, women have had alllllll kinds of socialisation fuck-ups.

Engaging in sex that you don’t want for keeping him happy, ticking a box, avoiding confrontation - a fawning response - whatever it is, will ultimately have you feeling disconnected from your own body, your own pleasure and can have profound physiological and psychological repercussions.

And if you need any more reason outside of yourself to address it… as much as you both might be thinking that it’s ‘keeping him happy’, he will notice that you’re not into it.

It will not be a fulfilling experience for him in the long run.

Does he want a partner or a wank sock?

Sometimes the consequences might be real fear.

If this is touching on something delicate for you, I urge you to seek support because there is a word for sexual coercion, and it’s ‘rape’. Doesn’t matter if you meet them as a stranger in a dark alleyway or if you share rings or a bed with the perpetrator.

You can contact Rape Crisis England and Wales.

Look anywhere and you’ll see the narrative all the time about the challenges that men have trying to get women to have sex with them. That’s the goal, that’s the aim; get women to have sex with me.

But what if a different framing?

What if we consider that the place of comfort, choice and emotional safety is where desire and playfulness can start to come alive?

We know that it’s more likely we will be feeling our sense of vibrance, aliveness, libido or ‘joy for life’ from a place of the parasympathetic nervous system, right?

The woman who wasn't owned

I’ll come back to those sexy mudderfudders of words; choice and consent as soon as I’ve reminded you of those wives.

Remember them, property, transferred from father to husband, valued for breeding and good behaviour?

There was another woman in that same world. And she wasn't owned by anybody.

She was self-possessed, she was educated and witty. She had her own money, her own living arrangements, her own appetite. She had choice.

And the big-wigs vied for her attention. They didn’t hold her to duty, they wanted to be chosen by her, such was the magnetism of her character. Because yes, she chose her lovers.

A quick note on the passage of time - freedom for us as modern women means something very different for the women of bygone ages. Women couldn’t own property, they couldn’t vote, most didn’t have bodily autonomy, adequate health care or contraception. There wasn’t a great deal women could do other than lie back and think of England when he demanded it.

But in this world without choice for women, the courtesan carved out the one thing that matters most here - the right to say who, when and no.

The times may be very different now but the posture is the same.

And it’s not about feeling like you have to be different - the courtesan knew exactly who she was and was decadently happy in her own skin. She delighted in it, even.

She held herself to her own beautifully high standards with grace, poise and elegance.

She knew her beauty lay in her individuality, her intelligence and her discernment.

What made her magnetic wasn't that she said yes. It was that she didn't have to.

These aren't historical qualities. Discernment, self-possession, knowing your own appetite - they're all available to you. In fact, one thing I always speak to groups about and in coaching sessions:

“Know your No’s, they make your Yes’s all the sexier.”

When someone says no to me, I say thank you. Quietly, and I mean it - because I know what it can cost a person to say it. Especially the ones who've spent their whole lives being told their job is to say yes.

So what replaces obligation?

So what do you do? Start padlocking your knickers and live a life of celibacy?

Would the courtesan have approved of that?

Absolutely not.

Even though she may not have had the language for it, she knew that pleasure was the engine of everything. The fine clothes, the opulent food, the enticing aromas, and yes, the pleasures of the flesh.

Here are four ways you can up-level the pleasure in your life on your terms, not out of duty or obligation, but from a place of discernment and choice.

Know your No’s

Your friend asks you to go out for drinks after work, but you really wanted to get home, have a shower and return to the book you started last night. How does it sit in your body knowing that she’ll be disappointed if you say ‘no’?

This is an example that of course has nothing to do with sex at all but this is the work.

It starts small but it’s so big.

Practice this and get comfortable with it. And I mean that in its literal sense. Speak to someone you trust and explain that you want to get comfortable with your No’s. Role play with them to start with and then gradually integrate it with them in real life examples.

Not now or not ever?

“Hey honey, do you want to have sex?”

Absolutely and unequivocally the word ‘No’ is a complete sentence and should be honoured. In an intimate relationship, there is likely to be some form of expectation of what your sexual relationship will look like. There will also be feelings and from the perspective of a partner who is told ‘No’ on the regular might lean towards feelings of rejection or hurt.

This is where your mouth and ears take on super-hot meaning in your sexlife, because “No, I’m not in the mood right now’ or “I am exhausted today” sound very different from “no, I don’t want to have sex with you.” The recipient of the latter could hear “no, I don’t want to have sex with you. Ever.”

Be clear in your intentions. If you don’t feel motivated to have sex because the sex isn’t great for you, there’s definitely room for a conversation.

I get it - lots of women do not want their partner to feel hurt, rejected or humiliated by telling their partner they’re not enjoying it. They would rather go without. But without these conversations the partner is still feeling that rejection. And nobody is getting the type of sex that they want.

This is one of the ways a sex coach can help. So hit me up with a call if it’s stroking a sensitive spot for you.

Responsive Desire

It might not surprise you to find that you have a different arousal pattern to your partner.

We can think of arousal patterns being spontaneous

💡 oh, I would like sex, I’m going to pursue it -

and responsive

🐢 …something sexually significant has occurred, let’s see if the fire wants stoking up….

And it might surprise you to learn that people have varying degrees of these.

It might also surprise you to learn that 99.99999999%* of the time you’re not going to be exactly the same as your partner. (*IMO this is an excellent guestimation.)

If you’re interested to learn more, you should check out Emily Nagoski’s brilliant work, Come As You Are.

And it doesn’t take a genius to work out that this discrepancy between arousal patterns can very often be present in the area of sexual entitlement, and for one with a responsive desire pattern it makes it very difficult to discern if the want is your own. But being willing to be warmed up is not the same as feeling obliged.

Turning toward your partner without turning on yourself

So what do you want?

Do you know??

Women - and men - have told me about crap sex and that when asked the woman genuinely doesn’t know. She’s spent that long pleasing someone else and performing in the ways that all good women do that she’s never stopped to think about what great sex means to her.

Wait. "Performing in the ways that all good women do…"?

There, I said it.

We have raised and sexually educated generations of people with imagery derived from male-centric porn. Maybe you’ve never watched porn - no judge-y here - but I’m sure you’ve seen the Hollywood sex scenes where the guy kisses the girl, looming over her with his impressive tall, rugged stature,

her, gazing up demurely with doe-eyes, biting her lip, breast heaving seductively

falling back on the bed (him on top, obvs) and she has a mind-blowing orgasm the second he penetrates her.

For a hot sec, let’s just forget that

• height is no matter when it comes to orgasms. Pleasure receptors are literally all over the body if activated correctly, not in the measuring tape.

• women are not prey, they’re perfectly capable of passion and initiating or leading the encounter

• no mention of contraception, lube, accidental hair pulling or awkward undressing and needing a wee

• less than 20% of women will orgasm from penetration alone without clitoral stimulation - it’s just anatomy.

• generally, men often reach climax within 3-5mins of stimulation, women around 15-20mins - that’s just physiology

…yeah, those things don’t matter, what matters is the evident and loud prowess of the hero.

We have all received messaging about what is good sex so it’s a good thing that people like Erika Lust and Cindy Gallop (Make Love Not Porn)are championing the production of film and material that is pleasure- and all gender-centred. And real-life.

I digress.

So what is your own, unique perception of what good sex feels like?

If you would write your own ingredients list, what would be on it? If that feels too big - easy tiger! - start small
lick this

nibble that

stroke there

Start small - be clear for yourself about what you like so you can offer the information rather than have your partner feel like they have to extract it.

Your No's are a two-way street

About your No’s. It’s a two-way street, sweets.

How do YOU hear a no? Get curious about how those feelings sit for you, too. Because this is something I think needs more voice and I discussed it in a recentblog. If someone says ‘no’ to you - and that’s not to say you can't be disappointed - but can you accept that with grace if you know what a decline costs you personally?

You can even do as I do and work with gratitude, thinking a quiet, small thank you when someone gives you a no.

What if he doesn’t like it?

Peach, he’s probably not going to if he has no idea what’s going on.

The caveat of The No’s…

Brace yourself, babe, because some might have their nose put out of joint with this new discerning you. And as the saying goes,

“The people who are upset about your boundaries are often the people who benefited from you not having any.”

Just sayin’…

It’s an excellent idea, even if I do say so myself, to discuss your new approach with your nearest and dearest - the overarching aim that your Yes’s become more empowered and 100% your desire.

We all know some fucking amazing men. Strong, reliable, present, interested. And I always like to bring balance so here’s some discomfort for your beau, too;

Why do they want sex with you?

To feel validated? They’ve had a tough day, it’s something to do, it’ll feel nice, it helps them sleep?

Or to feel connected with you? They delight in the touch of your sex, they want to feel close with you, they want to feel your shared pleasure.

There’s a big difference. Having sex to feel validated turns you into a walkin’ talkin’ Fleshlight. ‘Wank Sock’ sex will feel empty.

The desire for connected sex can deepen your bond and be incredibly healing, restorative and fulfilling.

She lives in you

When I talk about the archetype of the courtesan, it’s important to know that she lives in you.

My darling, you can be whoever you want to be, it’s all about the qualities you admire and want to model.

She isn't a costume. She's a posture. Self-possessed, discerning, delighted by her own appetite, and entirely capable of saying no.

You are not obliged to keep anyone sexually satisfied. You never were.

What you can do - and it's so much better than duty, for both of you - is to know what you want, ask for it, and mean your Yes when you give it.

Start small. Notice one moment this week where you'd usually go along with something. Ask yourself what you'd choose if choosing were genuinely on the table.

And if you'd like company while you find her, that's exactly what I do. The Courtesan Collective is where we practise this together - the no's, the yes's, the gratitude, all of it - and I work one-to-one incoaching if you'd rather do it privately.

Know your No's. They make your Yes's all the sexier.

with pleasure,

If you enjoyed this, you might also like to read

Reclaim Your Sensuality: How to Channel the Confidence of a Courtesan

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