How can I stop being so distracted during sex?
How can I stop being so distracted during sex?
You’re in a sexy tryst, the mood is right, the lights are low, the music floats gently in the air with the dance of a flickering candle.
Your play partner is pressing all the right buttons. It has all the makings of a really high-vibe magnificent orgasm.
But.
Where are you??
You’re elsewhere, thinking about the presentation that you’re scheduled to deliver at work next week, wondering how you’ll logistically manage the school run and the grocery shopping, and you mustn’t forget to buy a birthday card for your neighbour.
Now the sensations of the kisses and gentle strokes from your lover mutate from feeling sensual to feeling irritation. You have so much to do, can they just hurry up and cum and get this over and done with so you can get on with the other things you have to do?
Sweetie, I get it - I’ve been there.
If you are doing the mattress mambo with another person, you might want to give them a heads-up about the fact that you’re not present. And it might not be nice for them to hear - it sure as hell isn't nice for you to feel, because it can leave you feeling frustrated and disconnected from lots of things, not just sex.
Our joie de vivre or joy for life is affected as well. Honestly, libido is not just a term that relates to our desire for sex.
Of course, if you are checking-out because you have unresolved trauma, it is 100% the right thing to do to speak with a professional because your mental health is so important, my love. Here's just one great point of reference for finding a talking professional here in the UK.
But of course, the less severe, mundane, everyday-ness is often difficult as well, isn’t it?
As an experienced yoga teacher, I wholeheartedly advocate mindful practices to get yourself back into your body and out of your head. I can’t tell you how many yoga students who really struggle to switch off from the busyness of their internal mind-chatter or unhelpful thought patterns. But they all tell me it’s easier when they’re on their yoga mat regularly. Or meditating. Or running. Or cycling. You get the gist.
Know why?
Because we are not just a cluster of brain cells. That’s not all we are - we are hugely governed by what happens in our nervous systems. And let me tell you, if you’re stressed out or worried, it can stay in your body and that can definitely affect your capacity for pleasure or orgasms.
This is just one of the reasons that it’s a good idea for you to get a handle on managing feelings of overwhelm or stress. Other reasons are that stress hormones can be physically damaging if they’re in your body too long. There are loads of things you could try, I have even written an online course on Dealing with Stress - you could check that out, too.
So back to it…..
When you’re experiencing disconnect during playtime, I would wholeheartedly recommend bringing yourself back into the room. And what I mean by that is to reconnect with any one of these things;
Your breath
Tune in to the sound of your own breath, what's happening? Is it slow and deep or quick and shallow? Without your breath, you can't have any kind of joie de vivre, let alone the joy of the genitals, so take a notice of how you're breathing.
Pro tip - you can sometimes hack your nervous system into thinking you're close to orgasm with your breath, and that can help to bring you back to the moment.
Deepen your breath, open your mouth to audibly exhale. Give it a go - get all breathy. I have a free breathing exercise you can try.
What can you see?
Notice the swell of your breast or the curve of your waist, the hair of your lover's pubis. Visual stimulation is a biggie in human sexual arousal, that's why there is such interest in the erotic arts like pornography or romantic novels.
Are there any scents you can pick up?
Scent is so evocative for waking up the attention. Think of when the smell of fresh bread whips you back to a gorgeous meal and makes you hungry, or the whiff of a perfume that takes you back to a sultry night on holiday. Can you smell the clean linen of your bed, the scent of your skin, the way that your sex smells?
Pro tip - we're conditioned by society that bodies need to be scrubbed and cleaned with perfumed soaps and products, but our bodies smell exactly the way they should and it is subconsciously arousing.
What does the sensation of touch feel like?
How does it feel under your fingers to touch either your own skin or that of another? Can you pinpoint exactly how the feeling is? When stroking your own skin, there are two parts to the sensation - can you distinguish the different sensations experienced by your fingers and by the area you're touching?
Can you taste anything?
What's going on in your mouth? Is there a taste left from your last meal? Are you kissing? Can you taste your lover's lips or their breath?
Don't overwhelm yourself with trying to do all of these things! Just pick one and let your attention refocus. If you also practice these kinds of mindful activities outside of the bedroom bumping, it will become easier to hone in on your physical sensations of pleasure. It's all a practice, baby! If you want some more lessons on being mindful and present as well as being fit, healthy, and flexible, you could take a look at an online yoga studio.
If you’re new around here, you’ll see that my blog is steadily growing in content so I will be cross-referencing other blogs so you can keep yourself well-informed and lubed up, so do keep checking back in or save this post if you want to hear more about what I might say on topics.
I would LOVE to know if any of this information has been useful - let me know!
with pleasure,
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