Why regular sex check-in are a great idea
Why regular sex check-in are a great idea
Good sex is more than just physical pleasure. It’s an intimate and emotional experience, and communication is key to making it as pleasurable as possible.
We cannot possibly have the same experience as a partner because everyone has their own unique perception or take on what happens for us. For example, you might have a lunch together, both eating exactly the same food, but you have your own taste preferences, you’ll have differing feelings of hunger or fullness, you’ll likely have different visual perspectives - she’s facing the door, you’re facing the wall - so you’ll both have a different perception and experience or the meal. Yes?
So let’s add sex into that mix, shall we? Just to shake it up and make it spicy.
Communication is important in all types of relationships, but it’s especially essential for good sex. Many folk have complained that sex with a long-term partner can feel stale or, dare I say, boring, so I’m specifically talking about sex within a committed relationship here.
Talk about sex with a person you’re having it with? I know some who would say
‘absolutely fucking not’
but being able to communicate your desires, needs, and expectations is the key to all parties having enjoyable and satisfying sexual experiences.
First, foremost and before you’ve even peeled the duvet back, communication gives you the opportunity to set boundaries and discuss your expectations. Do many people have these types of negotiations before getting it on or do they just reach for the condoms and lube and throw their clothes around like the tumble dryer has exploded? Probably not, but it’s important to make sure that both or all parties are comfortable and consenting.
Enthusiastic Consent is one of my favourite topics and if you’ve read any of Emily Nagoski’s work, you’ll know exactly why I get so excited about it - more on that in a future post.
But let’s get real and get on the same page of the sex manual; talking about any concerns and expectations beforehand can help ensure that everyone is happy and that no one feels pressured into anything they ain’t down for.
Whether you go in for dirty-talk or pillow-whispers, words are sexy and they can increase your pleasure by helping you into a place of feeling heard, valued, worshipped even. We all have different flavours of sensations that we like - talking about them can feel hot! Also, hearing from your lover that you’re pressing the right buttons can tip some over the edge. For some people who have what I like to describe as a Pleasure Kink - that’s the hotness right there!
Let’s be Frank, because who doesn’t like Frank?
Talking about sex can be awkward
but being honest about what you want and need, what you like and don’t like helps build trust and makes everyone feel peachy keen. Being able to express yourself honestly and intimately can bring on next-level bonding and connection, which is great if you’re in a committed relationship. If you’re in a casual hook-up, it’s important because it means you’ll get your rocks off in a different way and the experience might feel more fulfilling.
Have a regular check-in with your person
I suggest weekly chinwag but it’s more appropriate for you, perhaps monthly. What’s important here is that it’s an uninterrupted time to talk just about sex. Not about the kids, not about the oil change due on the car and definitely not about whose turn it is to do the grocery shopping.
Disconnect to reconnect
Leave your phone / iPad / black mirror outside the room or switch it off. Give your person and the conversation your undivided attention - it might only be a 5 or 10mins and it’s an investment into yours or your partners forthcumming* orgasm potential (deliberate typo 😉)
Ideas for discussion points
What has happened sexually this week? Has there been sex this week??
What was hot? What was not?
What would you like more of?
How was the foreplay? How was the aftercare?
If this is new for you, I applaud your bravery in trying it - yes, do try it. You never know, you might just learn something that will make your next orgasm off the charts!
with pleasure,
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