Let’s talk about stealthing
This is a topic not so often spoken about - it is emotive and shame-inducing, sometimes with very dire physical and emotional consequences.
If you are in a committed monogamous relationship and your choice is to not to use condoms, you may feel you don’t need to know about this …but perhaps you do know someone that you care about who does use condoms.
Perhaps you’re on the sexually adventurous side, or exploring, are in a new relationship or might even be part of the upside down pineapple community (otherwise known as non-monogamous, open or swinging community). This information should definitely be within your memory store of research.
Informing yourself is always going to be a good thing and sharing the golden nuggets along the way for someone who might one day need that knowledge themselves? Well, I rest my case.
Stealthing ; the practice of lying about putting a condom, removing or deliberately damaging it without the other person's knowledge or permission
And just for the perspective of being absolutely fucking crystal clear, I want to iterate on the stand point of law on the practice of steathing;
it is a crime.
“Stealthing is not a legal term and there is no criminal offence called 'stealthing'. Under English and Welsh law, the act of stealthing is considered rape"
Rape Crisis England & Wales have lots more information and I do urge you to educate yourself.
These are experiences that are very different to each other but perhaps you can see that the circumstances and consequences can be vary greatly. Both are experiences told to me shared here with explicit consent,
Taking the condom off
“I was with my partner and another male, everything fun and consensual. Mid-way through it was getting very hot in the room and I needed a break, some water and to take a moment. Everyone checked back in, we were all still on the same page and play continued.
After a bedtime and morning shower, the following afternoon afternoon, I felt a strange sensation as I wee’d - it was a condom coming out of my vagina into the toilet.
I felt really, really upset. The idea that the condom could have been removed deliberately, is even more upsetting.
I recalled the man putting on another condom before we resumed play. I didn’t see that closely but I assumed he’d taken off the first one to replace with a new [as is good practice when using condoms to ensure there is still enough lubrication and avoid it tearing].
He had become aware the the first condom was not there, why had he not told us? The nature of the whole exchange was very playful, albeit a bit rougher than I’m used to, but I feel certain it would have been made into a ‘game’ to hunt for it in the bedsheets. If we’d discovered as a three what had actually happened we could have dealt with it there and then with minimal upset.
As an occasional swinger, my partner and I responsibly monitor our sexual health, but of course, this experience prompted an extra test which was all completely fine. I did not feel comfortable to broach this with the man, even though I have seen him since, but it has made me very wary.”
Deliberately not wearing one when pre-agreed
I get it, it the moment, things can get steamy and hot and it can be easy to assume that the other person is singing from the same song sheet you are - you assume the wearing of a condom is most definitely the way these shenanigans are happening, the other person assumes that most definitely the vibe is that there is no condom.
Imma press a big red button and say,
NEVER ASSUME IT’S OK TO NOT WEAR A CONDOM
If you get that vibe, then use your words, clarify, ask, check-in with your playmate because things can get really icky really quickly - in the very literal sense of the word. A shared infection, a raging partner, a shared child, a traumatic experience, prolonged emotional distress.
For a clear context, I want to make it crystal that any gender or orientation can be perpetrators of stealthing and the effects and aftermath can be equally as damaging.
Piercing a condom
By way of a degrees-of-separation experience, when I was in my mid-twenties, I dated a man a year or so younger than me, who had a child aged around 6. When I say this guy was obsessed about the condom afterwards!!
Immediately after having sex with me, he would tie a knot in the end of it and would spend a good couple of minutes literally holding it in front of his face, inspecting it!
😳
A girl could get paranoid….
And I have a vague memory of actually feeling like that - as a younger woman, discharge and arousal fluid were not something that were in commonplace discussion, especially with a person with whom I’d mutually agreed that this was not a serious relationship. I remember even saying to him, joking-not-joking “don’t flatter yourself - whilst I’m not ready to have children yet, this is definitely not the dynamic that I would contemplate such a thing!”
But he was living with the consequences of telling a girlfriend at the age of 17 he didn’t want a baby - also aged 17, she did. And she proceeded to put a sewing needle through all of the condom wrappers to pierce them. Lo and behold, he was co-parenting a small child with a woman who deceived and trapped him in one of the most devious of ways.
So what should you do if you find yourself in a stealthing situation?
If you think your partner has removed the condom deliberately, ask them.
Deliberate removal is a crime and should be reported as such. Of course, always make sure you are physically safe, but calmly report it to the police.
Sex club and party organisers have a duty of responsibility to their patrons and they should be made aware of any incidents that occur on their premises. The safety of all of their members is a high priority for them.
How to avoid a suspected stealthing situation as a person with a penis?
Always use a condom unless explicitly agreed upon with the partner you are playing with. Carrying your own is considerate and responsible.
If you take a break, use a different condom. Courtesy suggests to make your play partner aware of what’s going on.
If you notice the condom has come off
→ don’t panic, but do tell your partner
→ locate the condom, and it may be inside your partner. If your partner is relaxed, you may be able to retrieve it with your fingers but it could have been pushed up close to the cervix. A warm bath or shower can help your partner relax and for the condom to descend on it’s own, but you can always contact a GP or sexual health clinic for a safe retrieval. (Don’t try and use tweezers or other implement to try and extract it yourself, you could do more harm than good.)
→ Ensure your partner is protected against unwanted pregnancy by taking the morning-after pill (to be taken within 72 hours) if this experience renders them vulnerable.
→ Both partners should make sure they have an STI test.
The Huffington Post provided an excellent article, What to do when a condom gets stuck inside of you which is also worth a read.
It is good to have an awareness of these issues even though these instances are not commonplace. If you've been affected personally, I would hugely advocate for the benefits of taking therapies and coaching. If you're unsure whether a coaching or therapy setting would be more appropriate for you, you can certainly get in touch with me and I can help you out.
with pleasure,
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