What if even a sex coach struggles to feel sexy sometimes?

There are days when my body feels like an uncooperative stranger, and my brain is so cluttered with to-do lists and self-doubt that the thought of sensuality seems miles away.

It’s a weird place to be, right?

I spend my time talking about and helping women reconnect with their bodies, their pleasure, and their power—yet, here I am, a loungewear-toting sofa gremlin.

But I’ve learned something important: sexy isn’t a permanent state. It’s not something you either have or don’t have. It’s a practice, and it starts with reconnecting with yourself in the small moments. So, if you’ve been feeling disconnected lately, know that you’re not alone—even the "experts" have been there.

Believe me, I’ve spoken to plenty of partners of women who feel like this. It’s no party for them either. They can feel rejected and frustrated, but mainly they tell me that they just want their girlfriend or wife to see themselves as the beautiful sexy person that they do. They want to help but it can turn into a vicious cycle of her feeling like they have an ulterior motive when they do try.

Lots of women have responsive desire, which quite literally means that they don’t feel up for it spontaneously. Rather, they warm up to the idea of sex once they find something stimulating. Again, a difficult situation because nobody should do anything sexually that they don’t want to do. Even two rings and a piece of paper don’t obligate you to keep another person sexually satisfied if you’re not up for it. I have an awful lot to say on this matter so I’ll pin this for another blog post later on.

Here’s how I pull myself out of that rut and back into feeling sexy, one small step at a time.

Why Even Sex Coaches Lose That Sexy Feeling

Life happens, and apparently it doesn’t give a damn about your credentials or what people think about you on social media. Maybe you’re navigating menopause, juggling family and work, or carrying the weight of body image struggles. For me, it’s often a mix of stress, hormonal changes, and just being bloody tired.

There’s also the societal messaging that creeps in, no matter how much inner work I’ve done. You know the one—the voice that says you should look a certain way, be a certain size or are not quite good enough to feel desirable. But here’s the thing I keep reminding myself (and my clients): sexy isn’t about achieving some external ideal. It’s about feeling connected to yourself.

The great news is that your own personal sexual connection is always within reach.

5 Practical Ways I Reconnect with My Sexy Side

1. Move for Joy, Not Punishment

Please know this of me, I’m a big thinker. Like, if I had a flip-top head, you’d see my thoughts as jumbled and tangled as a plate of spaghetti sometimes.

When I catch myself feeling disconnected, I ask: when was I last in my body rather than my head? When was the last time I moved my body just for fun? Not for fitness goals, but for the sheer pleasure of it? Dancing around my kitchen, shaking my hips in a burlesque class, or doing a slow, sensual stretch can work wonders.

There is a time for my sofa gremlin to some out to play and to have stillness, but movement reminds me that my body isn’t just something to be looked at—it’s something to be experienced. And when I focus on how it feels instead of how it looks, something shifts.

The perfect time for this to happen is dancing - sensual or stoopid. But another great time to get back into my body is on my yoga mat. Ive long been a fan of how it stops me overthinking but in the last ten years, the pleasant surprise has always been how having the right kind of practice can wake up my sexual energy as well. If you’re curious, you should get in touch - or take a look at my Yoga For Sex program to take some private practice.

2. Indulge My Senses

Sometimes, all it takes is a small sensory indulgence to reignite that spark.

Wake up the senses - we have five of them! (Most of us have 5 of them, but all of us have our imaginations to conjure what we need)

I light a candle, find my favourite textures to feel against my skin, burn incense or use essential oils on my skin or in my space like lavendar to both awaken and relax. (Always check before using oils on your skin, most can’t be used undiluted. Check out the Sally-Anne’s resources at Holisitc Kitchen - believe me, if essential oils are your vibe, she knows her stuff and will definitely have one for you to love.)

My go-to is to listen to music, which is a fantastic motivator for me. For me, songs with a strong beat or a deep, raw vibe are fantastic for helping me get back into my body. I’d hugely recommend to compile yourself a playlist of songs that make you feel like you want to move like a goddess.

These little moments remind me that sensuality is everywhere—I just have to slow down and notice it.

3. Wear Something That Makes Me Feel Bold

Confession: I have a thing for leopard print. Maybe this isn’t a surprise to you if you read my recent blog post, Leopard Print Is My Power Symbol—and Could Be Yours Too

When I’m feeling a bit meh, as tempting as it is to grab my comfies and hide my curves, slipping on something that channels bold, untamed energy - whether it’s a scarf, a pair of heels, or a cheeky bit of lingerie - is like putting on a different persona. Much like Mr Ben, if you grew up in the 1980’s like I did.

I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t just get it that matching underwear can uplevel your confidence AND your mojo. And it really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. It’s about what it can do to the way you feel. It’s about me feeling that surge of confidence - THAT’S what becomes visible and noticeable to the people around you.

Incorporating matching lingerie can significantly boost your confidence and sense of empowerment. Retailers like Marks & Spencer and ASOS offer a variety of matching bra and knicker sets in different styles and sizes. Imma share I’ve got a special passion for Playful Promises at the moment, their pieces are so gorgeous and I think I would like all of them, please and thank you.

In my experience, wearing coordinated lingerie definitely makes me feel more put-together, energised and confident throughout the day. How about you?

4. Reclaim Daily Pleasure

Pleasure isn’t just about orgasms (although, let’s not dismiss those).

It’s about the simple joys we often rush past: the smell of coffee brewing, the warmth of a bubble bath, the sensation of crisp bedsheets against your skin. I like to call these Glimmers - the opposite of Triggers, they’re small seemingly insignificant things that give you noticaable happiness or pleasure.

When I intentionally seek out these Glimmers, it’s like planting seeds of sensuality that grow over time. Honestly, they become easier to find.

For some people the idea of masturbating or having orgasms feels like just Too. Much. Pressure! Even looking at social media accounts like mine might feel overwhelming and can make you feel like everyone is having screaming orgasms all day every day. Can make you feel like you’re the only one who can’t be bothered or doesn’t want to. Speaking from experience, here!

People who DO have a regular self-love practice, like your husband or partner, just can’t fathom why you don’t want to have sex or have an orgasm or want to self-pleasure. That my beauties, can add to your narrative or feeling weird or not good enough or that something’s wrong with your libido.

But the truth is, when you have a lot on your mind, orgasms can feel a million miles away. And that’s probably because they are when you’re in your head with lots of big deal stuff - your brain is literally becoming unfamiliar with pleasure hormones. So give yourself a break and start small by looking for these Glimmers. The more you start to do this, the more familiar it will become to acknowledge how those small pleasures feel in your body.

5. Talk to My Inner Cheerleader (and Tell the Critic to Pipe Down)

My inner critic can be a bit of a bitch. She likes to pipe up when I’m standing in front of the mirror or scrolling through Instagram. Brains need to have complete stories and logic. If humans don’t have all the facts about a situation, we make assumptions to fill in the gaps.

“I’m not in the mood for sex, therefore I’ll never feel sexy again”

“My vulva feels different since I began peri-menopause, therefore I’ll never enjoy sex again”

“I am divorced, therefore nobody will ever find me attractive again”

Extreme examples, I’m sure you’ll agree but they’re just there to illustrate my point. Brenè Brown gave an excellent talk about this where she mentioned

“…the story I’m telling myself is…”

We have a million thoughts a day - but here’s a truth bomb - they’re not all true. Possibly none of them are. So what if the story you’re telling yourself is one of those things that are untrue?

“Thank you, Ego, for keeping me safe by preparing me for worst case scenario, but that’s not true. I am full of vitality / I enjoy sex in different ways / I am attractive and my good heart makes me even more so”

You know when you go to the ladies toilet in a busy bar or club? every single woman in there is your cheerleader. And I bet that you’ve been a cheerleader to many, as well. I know for sure I have - it’s one of my favourite things! So employ your inner cheerleader to remind yourself how great you are.

Admittedly, it does takes practice, but those small moments of self-compassion build up. And when I start to believe my own cheerleader, that’s when I feel unstoppable.

It’s About Connection, Not Perfection

Feeling sexy doesn’t mean you’ll strut around like a Victoria’s Secret model 24/7 (if you do, yes queen, I applaud you!).

For me, it means finding those moments where I feel present and connected to my body. It means knowing that even on the days when I don’t feel my best, I can still tap into that spark. Know yourself so well that you know what you need in that moment.

And if I can do it as a sex coach—with all my own messy, imperfect moments—then so can you.

If you want to explore this deeper, I am going to be launching some women’s empowerment events soon, designed to help you reclaim your sensuality, confidence, and pleasure, with practical tools and a whole lot of love.

So, tell me: What’s one bold, sensual thing you can do for yourself today? Let me know—I’d love to hear from you.

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