The Surprising Consent Lesson I Learned at a Sex Party
Many people are interested in my work as a sex coach and ask a great deal of questions - perhaps you might also be curious about sex parties, lifestyle events, or kink-friendly spaces…
Some years ago in 2018, my husband and I attended a Killing Kittens event in London. This was one of the first sex parties I’d been to. If you’re thinking of heading to a sex party, a club, or anywhere outside the vanilla, I’d wholeheartedly recommend starting some research - about
sex party etiquette
consent in non-monogamous spaces
what to expect at a sex club
the type of people at sex clubs
perhaps that’s even how you’ve landed here on my blog. There are some great resources out there - so take advantage and fill your cup!
Whether you’re curious about your first sex party, exploring the kink or lifestyle scene, or simply wondering about the etiquette in these spaces, one thing sits at the heart of it all: consent. And not just the theoretical kind - the real-life, messy, sometimes uncomfortable kind that shows up when two humans want different things.
Many events will have pre-party activity going on - emails or correspondence with the organisers, vetting you before you are welcomed in and then group chats. This is an opportunity to get to know people before you arrive and to familiarise yourself with expected behaviours and etiquette - and what to do if things don’t go quite as you’d expect.
Texts, emails and group chats are great, but actually being in the space feels different. Getting used to the environment, sussing out the energy in the room, mustering the courage to speak with other people.
For a neurodivergent person like myself, there’s most definitely a settling in period for reading the room. It’s completely normal to need to acclimatise to the sensory information that’s going on around you. There’s a lot going on for you and it’s likely that even neurotypical folk are hyper-vigilant and sensitive to the environment.
Killing Kittens parties are very famously female-led - consent is absolute queen.
My husband and I were away from the throng of people, who sat in booths and cabaret-style seating around the main floor. Indeed, there had been a meal and drinks with a cabaret performance. We were having a moment, centering ourselves and we both started to relax so we shared a kiss. It was hot, as it usually is when we’re both in the moment.
This is when we became aware of a blonde woman joining us and she made a move to join in with what was happening between myself and my husband. We politely declined - a reminder for context, he and I were kissing.
And then something happened I never would have expected.
Without a word she stood up and threw the contents of her prosecco glass over us and strode away.
This woman was so in touch with her sexual energy, she wanted in on whatever was going on between this couple with whom she hadn’t even exchanged two words - and she was utterly affronted to have been told no.
We were stunned.
And dripping.
Of course, we reported it straight away and the woman was escorted off the premises.
When Sexual Confidence Becomes Entitlement
Imagine being so utterly confident of your own sexual entitlement to have escalated so abruptly into an act of aggression or violence??
Why did she think this was ok, just because she happened to be a woman?
This is something that I’ve witnessed on more than one occasion.
Please believe me, as a sex coach who works with clients and talks about confidence and embodied pleasure I am the first person to stand up and encourage women to be sexually confident and empowered, which is dramatically different from sexual aggression.
I have good friends who own a sex club. The behaviour within the club - whilst delightfully deviant - is always operated with a very open etiquette. It too, is female-led, and the men are extremely respectful.
And in my experience, I have found that if there’s anyone there that struggles to take ‘no’ for an answer, it’s always a woman.
So ladies, can we just back up a bit here??
We know the way it normally goes - it’s the guy that wants more sex than the gal. In hetero relationships, it’s widely spoken about and is a common cause of friction for many that he initiates, she rejects, tension rises.
What If Women Don’t Actually Like The Sex They’re Having?
I’m guessing you’re here for a new take, cupcake; what if these women are declining because the sex they’re being offered isn’t actually the sex they like?
Because here’s the thing I see all the time in my coaching work — most women have never actually been invited to figure out what kind of sex they enjoy.
They’ve spent years responding to someone else’s desire. Being the accommodating partner. The good girl. The one who goes along with things because it feels easier than having the conversation.
So when we talk about women feeling disconnected from sex, or their libido disappearing somewhere between the school run, the menopause, and the endless to-do list, I often wonder - is it really low desire… or have they just never been having the sex they actually want?
Maybe they’ve spent far too many years prioritising their partner’s pleasure that they’ve lost touch with what they like?
What if the women that know what sex they like aren’t afraid to ask for it?
What if those women ask for the sex from their partner and very rarely hear a ‘no’.
What happens when they do hear a ‘No’?
I had a conversation with a friend about this who, to start with, misunderstood my voicing that better consent education and boundaries were needed. He automatically thought I was talking about disrespectful men in the club (of which I don’t think I’ve encountered). When I explained what I meant, a lightbulb went on for him.
And here's a truthbomb - some women find it harder to say no to another woman than a man.
Which makes for a very awkward situation in that the woman can end up she doesn’t want to do or leaves the situation for her male partner to deal with, to break the news. Or they leave the environment and the issue never gets addressed.
Learning To Say No - And Learning To Hear It
One thing I practise with my clients - male and female - is how to begin to honour what their body is telling them. And female clients tend to have a harder time of doing that if they have spent their whole adult life people-pleasing, having sex to keep him happy / get it over with / keep the peace.
Because your body usually knows waaaaay before your brain catches up.
But if you’ve spent years overriding those signals - saying yes when you mean maybe, maybe when you mean no, or simply ignoring the signals your body is sending - it can take a little while to hear that voice again. For many women it feels wildly uncomfortable at first.
Saying “actually… I don’t want that” can feel far more frightening than simply tolerating something you’re not enjoying.
I literally role play with them to help them practise saying ‘no’ and see what it feels like in their body. For some, it can bring real tension and discomfort!
But I also help them practice hearing 'no'.
It’s a two-way street.
Because real sexual confidence isn’t about always getting what you want. It’s about being able to express desire, hear a no, respect a boundary - and still stay connected to yourself and the other person.
And if you’re reading this thinking “I’m not even sure I know what I like anymore” I assure you, you’re not broken, and you’re definitely not alone. Learning how to listen to your body, communicate your desires, and hold healthy boundaries is something I work through with clients every single week.
Let's chat x
