Top Tips if you're new to group sex

Post-lockdown and with the higher level of media coverage nowadays, more and more, people are waking up to the idea that there might be sexual pleasure outside the world of monogamous relationships.

I’m sure you know what I mean when I reference that many men fantasise about having sex with two women at the same time. Normal, right?

What about if a cis-gendered man has raging fantasises about inviting another man to pleasure his wife with him??

And oh my god, what about if a cis-gendered woman gets her rocks off at the idea of bringing another woman into her marital bed?! Unheard of?

Not so much.

But we don’t really talk about this stuff, do we?

I have a rather large soapbox about the origins of monogamy and the “traditional” set-up of marriage, usually between two heterosexual, opposing-gendered people. And that’s for another post.

What I want to talk about here is how to successfully navigate a sexual encounter between three or more people.

Do I have experience of this? Yep ( 🔥 😈 )

Have my experiences all been screamingly fantastic? Sadly no.

Have I always felt guilt- or shame-free of talking about this in polite company? That’ll be a no, too.

But here I am, unashamedly giving you some pointers from the benefit of my experience. I want to take this opportunity to give you a 101 if you have ever pondered on the idea of how to go about it.

Ready? Let’s dive in....

Solo sex

Know yourself.

Wank. Rub one out. Flick the bean. Beat the monkey. Whatever. Personally, I’m not a fan of most of those terms because to me, they sound derogatory and cheapening of what is actually beautiful and fundamental to sexual pleasure and well-being, so I’m on a mission to find another make. Hit me up with your best ideas.

Anyway. Do you make time to make love with yourself?

Solo sex is definitely a practice that can be shrouded in shame. Some would probably not admit to their partner that they masturbate, some feel jealous knowing their partner is practicing self love.

Can we stop?

If you are a person who feels those kinds of things - you’re not on your own with it (no pun intended) because it’s more common than you might think.

I want you to think about it as research.

How on earth can another person give your body pleasure when you’re not in touch with how to give yourself pleasure?

Communication is key

in partnered sex. But not just communication, you have to be

Crystal. Fucking. Clear

about what you like and this is why your self-love homework is so important.

Even more clarity is required with what you absolutely don’t like. This is very important.

Of course, sometimes, unplanned things happen and they’re a lot of fun but I have found it works better to frank, honest discussions with your playmates ahead of time.

We each have our unique sexual blueprint of things that turn us on and things that turn us off and have us running for the hills. Know what your things are, get curious about them and talk about them. If this is difficult, a sex coaching professional can help you.

If having your knees touched reminds you of the time you fell of your bike as a child and grazed them terribly, it’s likely that it won’t get your sexual juices flowing, but how would a playmate know that if you don’t tell them?

To be able to talk into your likes and dislikes, mind your language. What I mean is, be comfortable with the words you use for your body parts - would someone know you wanted your clitoris stroking if you used the phrase ‘minky button’? (I just made that up & I quite like it 😆)

Over the years, I’ve found it helpful to design an ‘interview process’ that suits you. You can think of it as an application or vetting procedure to a really exclusive club. Because it is, your body (and your sexual energy) is a really fucking exclusive, precious space to be - maybe you don’t want to admit every Tom, Dick or Sally. As a demi-sexual person in a consensually non-monogamous -ish relationship, I am unashamedly as picky AF. I’m an exclusive club. Maybe you are, too. High fives, gorgeous!!

Where do you find your candidates?

Dating apps like Feeld are helpful because you really can be clear and concise about what you are looking for and it’s a platform that you can use for your negotiations so you can work out if you want to meet in person.

Do not feel obligated to engage in conversations that make you uncomfortable. If dick pics or fanny photos are not your bag, tell people straight away because some peeps are proud and want to show them off. Delete and block any person who does not respect your clear boundaries on a dating app - because if they don’t respect you there, how can you be sure they’ll listen to your wants and needs in person?

Many use a fake name or wear a sexy masquerade mask for your profile pic if the anonymity gives you more comfort.

Be safe, always

I’m sure it goes without saying to never put your safety at risk. To be explicit, here I’m talking about having conversations ahead of time about protecting your sexual health and well-being with contraception, as much as I’m talking about personal safety.

Don’t arrange to meet someone at a private address unless you are absolutely certain of that person, whether you identify as a female OR male.

Yes, it’s a thing.

I spoke with a man who arrived at a private address expecting from his conversations to meet the married couple he'd been chatting with.

There was no female at the address.

Before arranging a meet, verify who this person is.

Have you heard of catfishing? It’s where somebody uses someone else’s photographs in order to create social media accounts to ‘lure’ people under false pretences. If you do meet a new playmate, and this is especially important if you are a solo player, always make sure someone knows where you are going and with whom you are meeting - share the location on your smartphone with you’d best friend, if needs be. (If you don’t have anyone you trust enough and you happen to be working with me, this is absolutely something I can support you with.)

Read the room

Perhaps you will have a playmate, for instance, your husband that you’ll play with regularly. In regards the above pointers about your likes and dislikes, most importantly know your own, but also have an idea of your partners’.

Group sex is a beautifully complex thing and there’s a fine balance to be had. It’s a super hot skill to be able to focus on the pleasure sensations in your own body and simultaneously be able to read the room and energy of the other playmates.

This comes into its own if you have a regular partner. If you’re able to read their non-verbal cues, you can have their back and they can have yours.

I have been in situations where my comfort levels have changed and my husband, my gorgeous, strong, funny play-partner, has read it before I’ve even voiced it and ‘intervened’ with a touch or a ‘hey, you ok baby?’.

And I’ve read him in exactly the same way.

But this has come as a result of communication skills between us which I think, are second to none. The conversations we have around sex are certainly not all steamy, passion-filled. We talk about really fucking uncomfortable things but we stay with those hard conversations in order to move through them.

Yes, both tears and tempers happen.

Perhaps you don’t have a regular playmate or you are a unicorn invited into a committed partnership. Here, it’s even more important to be crystal clear about your Hell Yes’s and your Hell No’s.

Debrief after the event

The function of this is hugely valuable, multi-purpose and in my opinion, highly underrated.

Your boundaries will alter and change slightly over time and certainly with each new experience that you encounter and you may be surprised.

Take the time to assess how you feel about what happened, either with a trusted friend or your regular play partner. Even better if you can also debrief with the other players in an honest and kind way.

The most important thing is that you are honest with yourself; things that you may have considered as Hell Yes’s may have squicked you out and may now be No’s, and the No’s might have morphed into Maybe’s or Yes’s. I find journalling helps because I can really go deep with my explorations.

With a regular play partner, this can be a hugely bonding (or divisive!) activity. I would urge honesty and kindness on all counts.

If you’ve been playing solo, same same. Debrief with a trusted friend, with your play partner or with your sex coach or talking therapist.

NB not all counsellors, and therapists are qualified or comfortable to go into the nitty gritty of someone’s sexploits, so do them the courtesy of checking in before going into the deets of that thing she stuck up your arse or the nipple clamps that were more of a turn-on than expected. Clinical sexologists will have heard it all before and will not be embarrassed or judgmental. Call me, babe, and let's chat

I wonder if this has given you food for thought. I’d love to know if it has.

If you’re new around here, you’ll see that my blog is steadily growing in content so I will be cross-referencing other blogs so you can keep yourself well-informed and lubed up, so do keep checking back in or save this post if you want to hear more about what I might say on topics.

with pleasure,

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Top 5 Sex Club Tips for Nervous Newbies

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