"You've Changed" - Why Women in Midlife Feel Different (and Why That's Normal)

"You've changed" ...why babe, thank you!!

Are you a woman of a certain age who really does feel like things are different now?

Maybe you have children who have grown far too fast and now tower over you, only really needing you to top up their McDonalds credits or to act as the laundry fairy who magically restocks their wardrobe?

Or perhaps you are sailing the merry heights of the career you’ve adored your whole life but that has become your whole life?

You may have had a relationship for a long time or had the same circle of friends for an age and they know you inside out.

Or do they?

Because somewhere along the line, the things that have always occupied your time or attention no longer sit the same. They feel different. They feel a bit …dull.

You would not be the first woman in midlife to wake up to this realisation that pleasure has shifted and it looks different now.

And thanks to the ol’ declining tank of oestrogen, that pleasure might have shifted so that pleasure sensations themselves feel different.

😳

And I gotta say, we were not expecting that!

A brief, personal note on HRT

I will never profess to being a menopause or hormone specialist but there are some wonderful people who dedicate their life’s work to women’s health.

I know there was a viral video doing the rounds about menopause making your lips (labia) disappear, enough for it to generate questions for me.

Sensations in your vulva, vagina and clitoris can change with decline in oestrogen and there can be a change to their structure - reduction in plumpness, skin thinning or dryness - in some cases there might even be pain. Please babe, you never have to put up with pain.

Topical oestrogen is available. Depending on your GP’s level of comfort talking about your downstairs you may be advised to use the applicator to apply internally, directly to your cervix. As I was.

I had to discover for myself that you can apply this to your whole vulva, labia and clitoris if that’s where you’re noticing the differences. In laywoman’s terms, topical oestrogen means a cream that you rub on. Use whatever tools you have to your advantage for your weekly pleasure medication….

Babe, you know your body best and one of the reasons you are here reading this is because you are intelligent and doing your own research. More of that. Fact check, ask questions, visit your GP and ask questions to get the right information for you.

And don’t be embarrassed to use whatever names for your bits you are comfortable with. My preference is anatomical terminology so there’s no ambiguity. If you need any help knowing what’s what, you know I’ve got your back and I can help you get comfortable talking about it. Let’s talk.

So, let me pipe up to make this announcement…

You are not weird for feeling differently.

You are not unnatural for noticing that pleasure sits in a different way now.

You are not abnormal for acknowledging that the things that attract and hold your interest nowadays have changed.

Because maybe they’re supposed to.

🤓 A science-y bit

A brief interlude for me to geek out on neurobiology, if I may <emoji heart eyes>

Throughout our lives, oestrogen is one of our unsung, superstar besties. She keeps everything ticking over. Like, everything!

The decline in oestrogen - which can actually start to happen from our mid-thirties, more on that later - therefore, affects everything.

Dr Lisa Mosconi is a Neuroscientist & Women's Brain Health Specialist. I have thoroughly enjoyed listening to the episode of the Diary of a CEO podcast. Multiple times.

I’ll just take a minute to fan-girl on this awesome person - as a leading expert in the field of Alzheimer’s and dementia research, she was one of the first to question why there was a higher number of women affected than men. And questioned the significance of oestrogen decline in menopause. She educates quite clearly that oestrogen is not just a ’sex hormone’.

→ oestrogen is a brain hormone.

Every single menopause symptom you can imagine is a result of the brain being affected

Hot flushes → hypothalamus is your body’s thermostat

Irritability → your amygdala is hypersensitive to threat and perceived danger

Brain fog → hippocampus is your internal hard-drive and the memory files are all over the shop

…and let’s also take a minute to reflect that the list of menopausal symptoms is not exhaustive.

Girls, this is not a “menopause is shit” post - I’m bringing it back around, I promise.

🧺 A capacity bit

If, like me, you’re an Instagram whore you might know these phrases. I love social media for a bit of impromptu social education!

Mental load

You spend a lifetime being the back-up for everyone else’s life admin - or kin-keeping.

Do the kids have SPF packed?

When do fresh toilet rolls need adding to the shopping basket?

What’s for dinner? - remember Uncle John only likes his carrots sliced and not in batons.

Husband’s mum’s birthday is coming up what gift do I need to choose and arrange?

You know this shit!

Somehow, somewhere, someone decided that as soon as it’s decided that your chromosomes look like an XX, you must therefore be the one to carry all of this wisdom in your body, along with go-to answers of where do we keep the laundry powder.

People-pleasing

Nicely partnering with Mental Load is it’s team-player, People Pleasing.

You can read the emotional language in the room like a ninja on macca and the between-the-lines messages in every conversation.

Within heterosexual dynamics, it’s generally found that women are more likely to take the role of relationship maintenance checking in “are we ok??” or initiating difficult conversations

Arlie Hochschild described it as emotional labour. And as the term ‘labour’ suggests - that stuff is heavy to carry for 10, 15, 20 years!

Overstimulation

And guess what all of those kind of things combined do to someone who might not have a spontaneous desire arousal pattern? 🫠

If you’ve had a real poke around my blog posts or those I’ve written on my yoga website, you’ll know that I geek out on nervous system responses.

The TL;DR version is that if you are stressed out, you’re likely in the Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn side of your nervous state - the sympathetic nervous system - where it does exactly what it says on the tin. There’s a danger, or a perceived danger - because guess what? When hormones like cortisol or adrenaline are having a merry old time coursing through your system, your body can’t tell the difference.

And that ain’t conducive for no sexy time!

The sympathetic nervous system deals only with bodily functions that ensure immediate survival.

Thats right - digestive system not required in that moment. Quick, I need the loo! I feel sick! Uh-oh, that wasn’t a fart!

Nor is the reproductive system needed right now.

Because there aren’t a great many people who feel horny when there’s a tiger chasing you for her amuse bouche. (Remember, your body can’t tell the difference between real danger or perceived.)

Indeed, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, founders of The Gottman Institute which is dedicated to the research of relationships attest that in relationships

most women don't need more romance - they need more emotional safety.

Feeling listened to.

Feeling believed.

Feeling that their inner world matters.

Feeling able to speak without being dismissed, corrected or criticised.

👯‍♀️ A Social Interest Bit

As women, we have all been subject to an amount of social conditioning. About what it means to be a woman, a daughter, a friend, a wife, or a mother. And yes, a lot of us learned that keeping everyone else happy was what should make us happy.

As an aside yes, I still hear it. Just a few weeks ago, in fact. Interestingly from someone a lot younger than myself.

Most of the conversations I have of this ilk are with women around my own age, (for context, I’ll be achieving Level 50 this year), and I often hear

→ I don’t even know what I like any more, I’ve always just done what they want to do

→ sod that, I don’t have time for doing things I don’t like any more

→ I feel like I’ve lost my identity a bit, y’know?

I’d asked someone what lights her up. It’s one of my favourite ice-breaker questions in a social situation with people I don’t know

Honestly, as long as we’re all together as a family - the children are happy, he’s happy. So I don’t really mind what we’re doing, I just feel happiest when I can see them all happy.

No shade on this lovely lady at all, btw!

She said almost word-for-word what I used to say in my mid-thirties. I just couldn’t help self-reflect that spending a lifetime catering for other people’s happiness can sometimes leave your own tank a bit empty when the nest gets flown.

🫶 The We’re OK Bit

“You’ve changed!”

Because we’re supposed to.

As human beans (← deliberate typo), we’re complicated.

As women 10x that! 😅

We adapt, evolve and grow as a result of our environment and experiences. And some of those experiences are internal - hormonally and otherwise.

I’ve long understood that midlife gets a hugely bad rap. Discernment, intelligence and wit are great qualities that we acquire throughout our life so I celebrate midlife as a time of

👑 knowing yourself far better than you did in your younger years

👑 being far less willing to tolerate situations that you might have gone along with in the past

👑 seeking out the Glimmers that you want to have in your life, because guess what? Yours will be different from someone else’s.

You don’t have to make apologies for who you are in this body of yours living this life of your own.

A final note for the guys reading this, if you’re wondering why she’s not “in the mood for a banging” - it might be a good time to educate yourself on what’s going on for her in her internal environment.

Do you want to know the best way to do that?

Internet articles? Books? YouTube?

Yes, all great.

But ask her! Only she is an expert in how she feels.

with pleasure,

If you have enjoyed reading this, you might also like to read

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