It’s Hers, Not Yours: When Solo Pleasure Stops Feeling Like Your Own
Let’s talk about the women who don’t masturbate because they can’t be arsed for the grief they get from their partner.
When your pleasure is used for theirs
It’s yours, right?? Not just another turn-on or reason for them to bang one out.
When you have spent your whole life being the good girl, doing the homework, getting the grades in school, pleasing the teachers and your parents. Your work life, you work hard to hit the targets, to be a team player, to get that promotion. You become a wife, maybe a mother and somehow your priorities become the meal-maker, the educator, the cleaner, the gardener, the one who remembers all the family birthdays, who has to remember someone else’s homework, when to replenish the milk / cereal / toilet paper.
…you get it - there’s a list.
And somewhere along the way, solo pleasure in relationships can quietly fall to the bottom of it.
You might feel like you have a duty to look a certain way, to be confident and sexy. You still want to feel desired and are acutely aware that if you’re in a long-term relationship there’s an unspoken expectation that you’ll keep the spark alive. That you’ll still be sexy, still be up for it, still be the woman he fell for all those years ago - even when your day has already been spent giving quite sizeable chunks of yourself to everyone else.
This is something I see a lot when we talk about women’s pleasure in long-term relationships — the pressure to stay desirable can slowly crowd out the space women need to reconnect with their own bodies.
You hardly have a minute but when you do have some time to yourself you brace for the questions.
And something strange happens.
What started as private exploration suddenly feels like something that needs explaining.
For many women, this is where masturbation in a relationship stops feeling relaxed and starts feeling… observed.
Even the moments that should belong entirely to you somehow become… shared property.
It comes from a good place, you know it does, after all he still desires you over all others.
But ffs!
Can I not have just one thing that is mine and doesn’t have to be performative to satisfy someone else’s expectations or needs?
This is something that I’ve heard from more than a handful of women conversationally and have definitely from females I have worked with in a coaching capacity. And my spidey-senses tell me the number of women who have that experience is very likely quite common.
The thing nobody really talks about
Because on the surface it sounds like a compliment, right?
Your partner is excited by the thought of you touching yourself.
He’s curious.
He’s turned on.
He wants to be included in your fantasy life.
All of that can be lovely.
I’ve even worked with men who’ve told me quite openly that the idea of their partner enjoying some solo time is hands-down their biggest fantasy.
But curiosity can quietly tip over into entitlement.
Suddenly something that was private, playful and nourishing becomes… a report.
Did you?
What did you think about?
Did you use the toy?
Did you come?
It’s like your pleasure has to have a post-event debrief.
For a lot of women, that’s the moment where the spark goes out and one of the reasons some women stop masturbating in relationships - not because they don’t enjoy it, but because the privacy around it just disappears.
Because sometimes pleasure needs privacy
Not because you’re hiding anything.
Not because you don’t love your partner.
But because not everything has to be shared to be valid.
Having space for your own body and fantasies is part of sexual autonomy in relationships, and it’s far healthier than pretending every thought or sensation has to be shared.
Some pleasure is softer than that.
Some pleasure is experimental.
Some pleasure is simply quiet time in your own body without anyone else’s expectations attached to it.
When every solo moment becomes something that might later be analysed, joked about, or used as sexual fuel for someone else…
Well.
It starts to feel less like your pleasure.
And more like another task on the list.
Your pleasure isn’t a performance review
This is the bit I want women to hear clearly.
👉🏼 You are allowed to have a sensual life that belongs entirely to you.
👉🏼 You are allowed to explore your body without narrating it.
👉🏼 You are allowed to have fantasies that stay inside your own head.
And you are allowed to say - kindly but clearly -
“Sometimes I just want that time to be mine.”
Because pleasure that is chosen, protected and personal is far more powerful than pleasure that feels like another thing you’re expected to deliver.
Here’s the irony…
The women I hear this from aren’t disinterested in sex, prudish or avoiding intimacy.
They’re often the ones who are most curious, most playful, most open to exploration.
But they need space for their desire to grow without an audience.
And when they get that space, their sensuality starts to wake up and spread it’s wings.
A question worth asking
If this resonates with you, it might be worth asking yourself:
Do I avoid solo pleasure because I don’t want the interrogation that comes afterwards?
If the answer is yes, you’re far from alone.
And reclaiming that space - gently, unapologetically - might be one of the most radical things you can do for your own pleasure.
What can you do about it if you think you might be that guy?
Space, babe. Space.
Redistribute the load
Maybe you have children that you could enjoy spending some regular time with so she can enjoy some time to herself.
Maybe there’s a redistribution of tasks that could happen so she actually has the breathing room to reconnect with her own body.
Maybe the two of you consider making conversations about sex part of your weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly routine.
Make Conversations About Sex Normal
Learning how to have healthy conversations about sex without pressure can change the entire dynamic.
No pressure. No expectation. No judge-y tone.
Just curiosity.
How do you start conversations like that?
Glad you asked….
Try something as simple as:
“How are things feeling for you lately?”
Not “why don’t we have sex more?”
Not “why don’t you masturbate?”
Just an open door.
Cultivating a space where you can both speak honestly - and be heard - without fear of upsetting the other is one of the most powerful things a couple can build.
For many women, feeling safe, respected and unobserved in their own pleasure is exactly what allows their desire to come back online.
It’s also one of the things I help people with in my coaching work because when couples learn how to talk about sex without pressure, awkwardness or defensiveness… things change.
Sometimes quite quickly.
If this piece made you pause, nod, or recognise something in your own relationship, you’re not alone.
And if you’d like some support navigating those conversations, I offer a Couples Package designed specifically to help partners reconnect, communicate and rediscover pleasure without it feeling like another item on the to-do list.
Because pleasure shouldn’t feel like homework.
It should feel like coming home to yourself.
with pleasure,
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It's Masturbation May; but what if you don't WANT to??
